Every year, the same happens. A line of parents. Small children with backpacks bigger than they are. Some walk in with curiosity. Others cling to their mother’s or father’s legs. Some cry. Others plead, “Don’t go.” A few minutes later, the door closes. The parents remain outside. The children stay inside. And we call this... adaptation. But is it really? There is something remarkable about human beings. When we enter an unfamiliar place, we immediately look for someone we know. In a new job, we appreciate having someone introduce us to the team. At a conference, we feel relieved when we find a colleague. We naturally seek out the people who make us feel safe. Why should we expect anything different from a two- or three-year-old child? More than half a century ago, John Bowlby showed that autonomy develops from a secure base . Mary Ainsworth later confirmed that children explore more, play more, and take more risks when their attachment figure is available. Security does not delay autonomy. It makes it possible. When a child enters school for the first time, everything is unfamiliar: people, smells, voices, rules, and space. Before they can explore, they need to feel that the place is safe. That is why they naturally seek the person who provides them with protection. Not because they are overly dependent, but because this is how human development works. Yet it is precisely at this moment that many educational systems ask children to face the greatest separation of their lives up to that point on their own. As if learning to separate is the first goal of school. Perhaps the first goal should be something else: helping them build a relationship that feels secure enough so that, later on, they can separate without fear. In my clinic, when I ask parents how the adaptation went, I often hear: “It went very well.” But a slightly deeper conversation often reveals other stories: crying, refusal to attend, nightmares, anxiety, increased irritability at home, or fear of returning to school. None of these signs necessarily mean that a child has experienced trauma, but they remind us that adaptation can be much more challenging than it appears . There is a phrase we hear often: “By the third day, they weren’t crying anymore.” But stopping crying does not necessarily mean feeling safe. Sometimes it does. Other times, it simply means giving up on asking for help. In some countries, starting school is a gradual process. During the first days, one parent stays with the child while he becomes familiar with the new environment and begins building a relationship with the educator. The first separations happen only when that relationship starts to provide a sense of security. The question is no longer, “How long does it take a child to adapt?” Instead, it becomes, “How long does this child need in order to trust?” It would also be unfair to place this responsibility on educators alone. Most do far more than circumstances allow. They comfort tears, regulate fears, and build relationships. The problem is rarely the people involved. More often, it lies in a system that expects adaptation to happen more quickly than what we know about child development would suggest. If we know that autonomy grows from security, and that security grows from relationships , perhaps the time has come to rethink how we organize children’s entry into school. Because successful adaptation is not about a child learning to separate quickly. It is about gradually discovering that, in this new place too, there is a relationship from which they can begin to explore the world. Author : Yennyfer Katerine Martins Meet the psychology clinical team from Hospital da Luz network. Source Ainsworth MDS, Blehar MC, Waters E, et al. Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, 1978. Bowlby J. Attachment and loss : Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books, 1969. Bowlby J. A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books, 1988. The content published in the Health Guide is intended for the general public and is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It does not replace individual medical assessment, diagnosis, or personalized clinical advice from a qualified healthcare professional. The content is produced or reviewed by physicians and other healthcare professionals at Hospital da Luz and is based on the knowledge available at the time of publication or the most recent update, as indicated at the beginning of each item. English translation generated with AI and reviewed by the editorial team.
